Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Me: “Relax. Make conversation, let them get to know you.”
Also Me: “The longest tape worm ever found inside a human body was 82′ in length.”
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”