Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
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I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Baller is short for ballerina
“OMGJK” -atheists
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
The point of your 20s
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.