When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
You Might Also Like
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.