Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
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mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.