My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
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Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
let’s discuss
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Schrödinger’s cookie
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
good let them take over I have had enough
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?