Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
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I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
OH. COME. ON.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.