I put my pants on like anyone else. By court ordered mandate.
Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?
God: That’s when you were dating that psycho. I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Hug your children. Hug your friends and family. Hug the cashier at Chipotle. Hug someone else’s children. Hug the arresting officer.
Me to Dr: I have no energy lately.
Dr: you need to exercise more
Me: Let’s start this again.
You can insult anyone you want, as long as you end the sentence with “but in a good way”.
“I’ll shave whoever I want! I’ll shave you, I’ll shave her! I’ll shave a goddamn baby if need be!”
Sean Connery, boasting about his heroism