Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
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I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Awesome parenting 😂
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Basketball
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.