[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
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As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Succinctly put.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.