*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
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Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
That’s classic.
Ain’t no way
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.