I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.