Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of jackiembouvier's best tweets

@jackiembouvier : Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

@jackiembouvier: Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I'm not wearing eyeshadow.

@jackiembouvier: Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I'm not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

@jackiembouvier: Meet your new stalker! The good news is I'm middle aged and very lazy. You'll hardly notice I'm here.

@jackiembouvier: They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

@jackiembouvier: Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that's one more thing to be anxious about.

@jackiembouvier: I feel as though we've come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

@jackiembouvier: Social media is perfect when you're feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

@jackiembouvier: When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it's a live grenade.

@jackiembouvier: [Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.