Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
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The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard