[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
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putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
The biggest mystery of our time
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.