I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
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Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
How is it still this week?
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???