First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
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[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
For anyone who needs this today
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Breaking news:
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster