if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
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Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.