ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
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Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.