*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
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Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
monday
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.