Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
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political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
So the ex texted me
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends