Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
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i- i did not expect this
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.