WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
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“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Every photo I’m tagged in
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this