My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
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“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?