Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
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You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.