[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
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Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.