My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
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My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
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Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”