her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
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[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.