The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
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What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.