excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
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damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
the icebreaker
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project