When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself