“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
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Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Best table by far
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
This makes total sense…
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.