My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
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huge valentines day plans this year!!
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
In Canada they just call them geese
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
🤣✨#caturday
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.