me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
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13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.