CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
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I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Natural selection at its finest
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.