Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
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if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.