me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
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Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
You have been warned.