GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
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[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.