Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
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My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.