“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
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If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Not all heroes wear capes….
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.