My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
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I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
😩😩😩
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats