Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
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i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare