rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
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Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.