@jasonroeder

Next time a conspiracy theorist says, “That’s what they want you to think,” say, “No, but that’s what they wanted you to tell me.”

@jasonroeder

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

@jasonroeder

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

@jasonroeder

When you’re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don’t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.

@jasonroeder

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.