Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
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Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Lmao
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?