Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
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captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
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People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.