Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
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Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO