Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
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THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Lol.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.