@jazmasta

A fun game to play when you’re lonely is “passing the ball from your imaginary husband to your imaginary child”

@jazmasta

When my doctor first diagnosed me with overly inquisitive syndrome I had a lot of questions.

@jazmasta

*sits at bar and loosens tie after a tough day at the office*
Bartender: Usual?
Me: Make it a large one
Bartender: One large milk coming up

@jazmasta

“Daddy what’s a tunnel?”
“Son, we’ve been through this..”

@jazmasta

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That’s whey past my bedtime

@jazmasta

Drugs are never the answer kids. Unless the question is “why have you been checking under the carpet for lizards for 3 days straight?”

@jazmasta

[speaking to an attractive lady] “How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!”
“Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave”

@jazmasta

That hot guy you see on the train every day with headphones on? Imagine….imagine if he was listening to a podcast. Not so hot now is he?

@jazmasta

I thought I saw an octopus but it was just 8 eels kissing a butternut squash.

@jazmasta

DOC: We think you may have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?
ME: Can’t say I do
DOC: That’s one of the symptoms, yes.