Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
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[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.