@jazz_inmypants: Flight Attendant: u are sitting in an exit row. do u agree to assist in the event of an emergency
Guy behind me: I gotta go to the bathroom it’s an emergency
Me wearing a neck pillow: [eyes open]
@jazz_inmypants: as a cashier in a pharmacy i don't want people to feel uncomfortable when they buy personal products, so while they're paying i loudly ask them "Oh is this hemorrhoid cream for your Friend?" and wink at them so they know to follow my lead
@jazz_inmypants: PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook
CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well-- wait u guys call me Hook?
PETER PAN: yeah
CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand?
PETER PAN: ...i'm sorr-
CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad
@jazz_inmypants: GENIE: i want infinity more bananas
GENIE: do u see how annoying that is
@jazz_inmypants: hey salt and vinegar chips people,
all chips have salt.
ur eating vinegar chips.
@jazz_inmypants: her: i love astrology
me: are u sexually attracted to jupiter be honest
her: that's astronomy, and yes
@jazz_inmypants: whoa i just got a fortune cookie that said “people will literally eat fried cardboard if u tell them there’s a secret inside lmao”
@jazz_inmypants: [tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit I mean AHH I FELL
@jazz_inmypants: my daughter, Alexa: my name is so annoying
me: sorry honey in my defense u were born before it was a thing
my son, Google Assistant: yea alexa give dad a break