@jazz_inmypants

me: hi can I please give u all of my money

college: no you got a B in geometry when you were 14

me: ok sorry for asking

@jazz_inmypants

person 1: use a parachute when you go skydiving

person 2: don’t tell me what to do

[later]

person 2: *dies skydiving*

person 1: I hate to say it but—

person 3: *pushing people out of a plane* DON’T MAKE HIS DEATH ABOUT A STUPID PARACHUTE

@jazz_inmypants

cellphones are ruining the Boyfriend Throwing Pebbles at the Girlfriend’s Bedroom Window industry

@jazz_inmypants

Cinderella: thanks for finding my shoe 🙂

Prince: no problem. will u marry me

@jazz_inmypants

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy

Dory: I’m a talking fish!

Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car 🙂

Guy from UP: my wife died.

Everyone:

Dory: I’m a talking fish!

@jazz_inmypants

[when I’m home]

me: *uses the same towel for {Censored} days in a row*

[at a hotel]

me: (calling the front desk) yea hi can you send up a few more towels I used up the 4 you gave me and I haven’t even showered yet

@jazz_inmypants

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

@jazz_inmypants

[the Wright brothers before the first flight ever]

Orville: *taking off his shoes*

Wilbur: um what are u doing

Orville: what if i have a bomb