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Page of jazz_inmypants's best tweets

@jazz_inmypants : my wife of 30 years: *texts me*

my brain: don't answer right away you'll look desperate

@jazz_inmypants: Flight Attendant: u are sitting in an exit row. do u agree to assist in the event of an emergency

Me: yes

[later]

Guy behind me: I gotta go to the bathroom it’s an emergency

Me wearing a neck pillow: [eyes open]

@jazz_inmypants: as a cashier in a pharmacy i don't want people to feel uncomfortable when they buy personal products, so while they're paying i loudly ask them "Oh is this hemorrhoid cream for your Friend?" and wink at them so they know to follow my lead

@jazz_inmypants: PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook

CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well-- wait u guys call me Hook?

PETER PAN: yeah

CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand?

PETER PAN: ...i'm sorr-

CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad

@jazz_inmypants: GENIE: i want infinity more bananas

BANANA SALESMAN:

GENIE: do u see how annoying that is

@jazz_inmypants: hey salt and vinegar chips people,

all chips have salt.

ur eating vinegar chips.

@jazz_inmypants: her: i love astrology

me: are u sexually attracted to jupiter be honest

her: that's astronomy, and yes

@jazz_inmypants: whoa i just got a fortune cookie that said “people will literally eat fried cardboard if u tell them there’s a secret inside lmao”

@jazz_inmypants: [tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit I mean AHH I FELL

@jazz_inmypants: my daughter, Alexa: my name is so annoying

me: sorry honey in my defense u were born before it was a thing

my son, Google Assistant: yea alexa give dad a break