Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
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Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.