Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
You Might Also Like
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I get distracted pretty eas
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
goldfish mafia
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this